My Story:  Building a Complete Life
by Felix of Southeast Asia
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This is an Other Sheep website
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From: Felix of Southeast Asia
To: Stephen Parelli <sparelli2002@yahoo.com>
Sent: Wed, August 12, 2009 11:17:28 PM
Subject: My Story: Building a Complete Life

My Story:  Building a Complete  Life  

I was born in Malaysia to middle-class Chinese parents in the late 1960's. I grew up in
a Bible-believing church with a rich prophetic heritage. In my adolescence, I became
actively involved in church life and even took up duties on the pulpit. After high
school I was encouraged by my pastor to go into pastoral ministry. I took it as God’s
calling and went to a Bible college overseas. Five years later I was employed by the
church as a field pastor in Malaysia.

I can’t pinpoint a specific time when I discovered being gay, but it was at a very young
age. I do remember times in my childhood when I would feel a rush of warmth through
my body whenever my father hugged or bathed me. When I hit puberty my curiosity
about these feelings drove me to explore the male body. I became increasingly aware
of my attraction to people of my same gender. Try as I might, I have never been
attracted to the opposite sex. Because I lived in a shame-based culture in which sex
was never discussed I did not talk to anyone about my attractions. I repressed my
homosexual feelings and did not act on them. I read books about homosexuality but
they were not exactly helpful. I kept to myself during high school. In college overseas
I hung out mostly with the boys in the dorm. The culture was very homophobic so I
was driven deeper into the closet. I did not date girls, nor did I have any real
homosexual experience all through college except for bathroom encounters with
exhibitionists. My best friend asked if I was gay but I fiercely denied it.

During my tenure as a local church pastor, my greatest setback had been the
absence of a life companion to share the burden of ministry. As a result of that lack, I
suffered burnout. My parishioners were always setting me up with some girl in
church. But none of them interested me. Instead, I would seek out men outside the
church. In my mind, being gay and a Christian were mutually exclusive. Publicly I was
an exemplary Christian. Privately I was grappling with issues of my own sexual needs.
My double life took me on wild guilt trips.

Then the amazing internet age dawned in the mid-1990’s. I began chatting with like-
minded people all over the world. One day, at the turn of the 21st Century, I stumbled
upon a gay Christian website. I was fascinated by stories of other gay Christians
going through the same struggles as I did. I started writing to a gay Christian man in
New York.  In January 2003 he introduced Kinship International to me. I visited the
Kinship website and, to my surprise, found gay and lesbian members of my
denomination embracing their homosexuality as God’s gift. Thinking this would be the
perfect venue in which to share my repressed feelings without fear and
embarrassment, I signed up and was accepted as a member on Feb 8, 2003.
Through my interaction with Kinship, I came to accept my homosexuality as a gift of
God and count myself blessed to be a part of this global community.

In my early 30’s, I took a sabbatical year off to continue my education in a Bible
college overseas. That year, I met a man from another country who would become
the first love of my life. We started a relationship. I now celebrate homosexual love
and sex. I believe even homosexual sex is a gift of God to be enjoyed in a wholesome
and mutually satisfying way. When I returned to Malaysia to continue ministering, we
had maintained contact with each other.

One day, a senior pastor suggested that I take a vow of celibacy. I was stunned. He
had probably figured it out by then. But God has not given me the gift of celibacy. I
knew that I could no longer carry on in the ministry if I were to be truly free to be who I
am meant to be. I thank God for leading me into the ministry where I have been
trained and prepared for something greater. After a dozen years, my time has finally
come to leave the ministry. I was pushing 40. To be true to my God, I must first be
true to myself and to be who I am meant to be. So began my long journey of coming
out. It has been a journey of self-discovery, a journey to wholeness.

I joined my same-sex partner in his home country for a while before settling back in
Malaysia where I found a new career. Life has been good. I could not have been
happier as a free individual who identifies as gay.

Then I was led to a Metropolitan Community Church in my neighborhood. This is the
first church in Malaysia that welcomes LGBT people and affirms them as God’s
children. Here I found good fellowship with fellow travelers on the journey. I am
empowered to grow spiritually in this open and nurturing environment. Such safe
space is missing in the traditional church I grew up in.

Here in Malaysia with its Muslim majority, it is difficult enough for LGBT people to
disclose their true self without the church condemning them for being who they are.
Sadly, God’s gay and lesbian children who dare to be true to themselves have been
driven from their churches and excluded from the saving grace of Christ.

In spite of the social stigma dealt out to the LGBT community, I see an evolving social
trend toward greater tolerance and acceptance. It may take the churches longer to
embrace equal rights and same-sex marriage, but hope is on the horizon. MCC
Malaysia is slated to be a major player in providing a safe space for LGBT Christians
to grow. As in many places around the world, increasing numbers of young people
have been inspired by Gay Pride and are marching out of their closets in droves. In
2005, Eric Goh, a young gay man in Malaysia, made history by coming out on
satellite TV to a Chinese audience numbering in the millions. A year later, former
journalist Rev. Oyoung disclosed his homosexuality on national media after being
trapped in a painful heterosexual marriage for nine years. The books he has
published about his life and his understanding of queer theology are making a visibly
positive impact on the gay Christian community. I personally draw strength from these
courageous souls.

As for my hopes and dreams, I want to be able to live out my life freely and openly
without fear. I want to be able to share the joys and sorrows of my relationships with
family and friends without reservation. I want to experience God’s unconditional love
more fully. I want to continue to make myself useful to God by reaching out to other
LGBT’s in the community who are struggling to find themselves. I am praying for the
day when God’s gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender children could be accepted
just as they are in their respective churches the same way their Creator accepts
them.

As a gay Christian, I feel a keen sense of God’s love and compassion for me
personally. God has made me gay so that I could help people like me to be whole.
God is glorified in the love of queer folks for one another. And that is what makes my
life worth living.
This webpage was built the week of January 3, 2010, in
the Bronx, NY, and was published January 8, 2010.

Visitors to this page since January 8, 2010.
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